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Mrs. McGreevy's 
Boarders 



BY 



Wa rd Macauley 

Author of "The Surprise Party at Brinkley's," 

"The Church Bazaar at Mulberry Corners," 
"Graduation Day at Woodhill School," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
1913 






Copyright 191 3 by The Penn Publishing Company 



JUN 24 1915 

©CID 41037 



Mrs. McGreevy's Boarders 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Mrs. McGreevy . . proprietor of the boarding-house 

Joel Lembkin an old bachelor 

Jennie Loveman , a maiden lady 

Joshua Swallow strictly business 

Jerry Farraway long of reach 

Tom Headley of some importance 

Felicia Rogers a gusher 

Alfred Owen . . ^ back on his rent 

Genevieve Ransom a new boarder 

Amanda a maid 

Mr. G RUMP . a dissatisfied soul 



DIRECTIONS 

Every care should be used in selecting suitable persons 
for the various parts. Mrs. McGreevy is large, Amanda 
also and somewhat dowdy. Miss Loveman is forty, likewise 
Mr. Lembkin. Tom and Jerry are rather fresh young men 
of twenty-five. Mr. Swallow is middle-aged, Mr. Grump 
elderly. Owen is a young man. Felicia and Genevieve are 
twenty. Suitable costuming should be aimed at without any 
necessity for anything of a burlesque nature except in the 
case of Amanda. Tom and Jerry should be a trifle swagger, 
Owen a bit shabby-genteel, Grump and Swallow careless, 
not to say untidy. Others should dress fairly well, Felicia 
with a slight taste for color. Every effort should be made 
to give the proper color to the situation and to read the 
lines intelligently. Properly carried out, ^* Mrs. McGreevy's 
Boarders" should make an effective entertainment. It is 
by all means essential that real food be served and eaten in 
a realistic manner. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

A typical six o'clock dinner scene at Mrs. McGreevy's is 
portrayed. The various guests and their eccentricities are 
set forth. Mr. Lembkin and Miss Loveman have been the 
butt of the jokes of Tom and Jerry. It is alleged that their 
similar inclinations ought to fit them for matrimony. Mr. 
Lembkin, falsely reputed a woman-hater, decides that what 
they have sneeringly said in jest may very well be true in 
fact and Miss Loveman decides she is of the same opinion. 
Jerry asks a momentous question of Felicia and announces 
that she is to be the future Mrs. Farraway. A happy end- 
ing for all except Mrs. McGreevy, who fears the loss of four 
boarders. 



SCENE PLOT 




I. 


—Entrance. 




io. 


— Mr. Grump. 


2. 


—Entrance. 




II 


—Jerry. 


^' 


— Curtains, to be drawn 


12. 


— Felicia. 




back. 




13- 


— Genevieve. 


4. 


—Entrance through 


cur- 


14- 


— Tom. 




tains when closed. 




15 


— Mrs. McGreevy. 


s- 


— Piano. 




16 


— Mr. Lembkin. 


6. 


— Exit to kitchen. 




17 


— Miss Lovennan. 


7- 
8. 

9 


—Table. 

— Mr. Swallow. 

— Mr. Owen. 




18 

19. 
20. 


) Unoccupied chairs 
i at table. 



Other furnishings of a suitable nature. In pulling curtains 
aside be sure to pull far over to points (3) so that those at 
the side of auditorium may see well. 



Mrs. McGreevy's Boarders 



SCENE. — Mrs. McGreevy's boarding-house^ back-parlor 
and dinifig-room. At the opening, curtains across con- 
ceal the di?iing-room until drawn aside by Mrs. McGreevy 
as indicated in the text. See Scene Plot, 

{Enter Mrs. McGreevy and Genevieve Ransom, 2.) 

Mrs. M. I'm glad our terms is satisfactory. We keep 
a first-class boarding-house and we'll be glad to have you 
come. You can stay right now if you want to. 

Genevieve. I do want to. Vm not very hungry, 
though. 

Mrs. M. {hastily). We don't make any allowance for 
meals missed. 

Genevieve. But if one eats ever so little ? 

Mrs. M, It makes no diff 'rence. Everything's strictly 
table de hoty ; nothing a la carty. 

Genevieve {perplexed'). Oh ! 

Mrs. M. It's like this. Mebbe your appetite ain't good 
to-night. Well, mebbe Tom Headley's'll be a little better'n 
usual. Then there's Swallow — his is alius good. I never 
see but one feller with a better appetite and that was {local 
name). Why, to-day I was reminded of Swallow when I 
seen a movin' van going past 

Genevieve. A moving van ? 

Mrs. M. Yes. It said on it, ^« National Storage Com- 
pany. Capacity Unlimited." Well, that's Swallow for you. 
Good land, if they was all like him, I'd be bankrupt ! So, 
there's strictly no deduction for meals missed, and while I 
ain't wishin' anybody bad luck, I ain't so awful sympa- 
thetic when they're off their feed, so to speak. 

Genevieve. I'm sure I shall like it here. 

Mrs. M. You will, my dear, you will, 'specially if you 
minds the rules and pays up prompt on Monday. Gettin' 
behind is the start of everything unpleasant. 



8 MRS. mcgreevy's boarders 



Genevieve. I'll try to remember • 



Mrs. M. Oh, I'll r'mind you all right, if ne'ssary. I 
like these little points understood. Then there's no back- 
bitings afterward. 

Genevieve. I always admired frankness. 

Mrs. M. You'll like me, then. 

Genevieve. What time do you serve supper? 

Mrs. M. Supper? Supper? My dear, this is a first- 
class boarding-house. We do not serve supper. We have 
a six o'clock dinner — at six promptly, remember. They 
serve supper at places like Mrs. McGill's, but this here place 
is good s'ciety. 

Genevieve. I think I'll go to my room a minute before 
sup — dinner. 

Mrs. M. Be down on the dot, r'member. 

Genevieve. 1 will. 

(^Exit Genevieve, i. Mrs. M. arranges music on piano, ^ 

(^Enter Mr. Alfred Owen, 2. He endeavors to sneak 
through without attracting attention, Mrs. M. sees him^ 
however,') 

Mrs. M. I've been waiting for you, Mr. Owen. 

Mr. O. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. M. Don't *<yes ma'am" me. When are you 
going to pay up? That's what I want to know. 

Mr. O. Why, I'm expecting a remitt- 

Mrs. M. Remittance? Well, my observation's been 
they don't ever come. Mail's delayed or something 'n' I've 
been in the boarding-house business twenty years. 

Mr. O. You can see for yourself, ma'am. (^He takes 
out an old purse and shows it to be empty.) If I had it, I'd 
give it to you. 

Mrs. M. What good does that do me? Does looking 
at an empty pocketbook help pay grocers' bills or buy a side 
o' pork? No, sir, I've got to come over with the good 
hard cash ; and if my boarders don't pay me, where am I 
at? That's what I want to know ; where am I at ? 

Mr. O. I will gladly pay you interest, ma'am. 

Mrs. M. Interest? The man thinks I'm a money- 
lender. No, sir, I'm a boarding-house keeper; not one of 
these here loan-fishes or whatever you call 'em. No, sir, 
I'm a-warnin' you. If you don't pay up by next Monday, 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 9 

ril expect you to help Amanda with the dishes and I'll ask 
you in front of the whole table ; and the next week if you 
don't toe the mark, I'll put a ** Room for rent " sign in the 
front window. 

Mr. O. {depressed). Very well 

Mrs. M. An' I ain't joking, neither. An' 'nother thing, 
please remember for the present no second helpings. 

Mr. O. Very well, ma'am. 

{Exit, I.) 

Mrs. M. {calling loudly through curtains 4). Amanda, 
Amanda, did you keep your eye on that roast beef? And 
how is the oyster stew coming ? 

{Exits hastily, 4.) 

{Enter Mr. Joel Lembkin and Miss Jennie Loveman, 2.) 

Mr. L. As I was saying. Miss Loveman, it was awfully 
nice that we could come home together. 

Miss L. It was pleasant, but I hope none of the other 
boarders saw us. 

Mr. L. Why ? Not ashamed of it, I hope. 

Miss L. {laughing). Not a bit; but you know how they 
tease us. Without the slightest ground, too 

Mr. L. I don't see whatever put it into their heads. 
Boarders are a queer lot. They have to joke a certain 
amount to forget they are boarders. 

Miss L. And especially when you are such a woman- 
hater. 

Mr. L. [aside). Me a woman-hater! {To Miss L.) 
Yes, especially. 

Miss L. And when I gave up all idea of marriage long 
ago. 

Mr. L. {uncomfortable^, I wish I could find something 
to tease them all about. 

Miss L. Well, I must fix up a bit before dinner. Be- 
sides, some one might see us. 

Mr. L. Let them. They can't tease a bit more than 
they do already. 

(Miss L. moves to exit, i.) 
{Enter Jerry Farraway, 2.) 

Jerry. Oh, I beg your pardon. I hope I don't intrude. 



10 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Really, I wouldn't disturb this little tete-a-tete for all the 
world. 

{Moves to bow himself out 2, with elaborate courtesy,^ 

Miss L. Don't be absurd, Jerry ; we just happened to 
come in together. 

Jerry. Hoity-toity ! I know how 'tis, been through it 
m'self. Two's company, three's a crowd. Never catch 
me playing the part of the unwelcome younger brother. 

Miss L. {sternly). Keep still, Jerry Farraway, or I shall 
be very angry. 

Jerry. Ah, a little tiff, eh ? And you want to take your 
spite out on me. Come, now, kiss and make up. Never 
let the sun go down on your wrath. 

Mr. L. {uncomfortable). We haven't quarreled, Jerry. 

Jerry {holding out his hand impulsively). Congratula- 
tions, old man. Then it's all fixed up? Bully for you. 

Mr. L. No, it isn't all 

Jerry {to Miss Yj,,^ pleadingly). Don't turn him down. 
He's a good fellow. 

(Miss L. turns and flounces angrily out of the room, i.) 

Mr. L. Look here, why do you annoy us all the time ? 

Jerry. D'you want to know ? 

Mr. L. Certainly, or I wouldn't ask. 

Jerry. Well, then, because you're so easy teased I think 
there's something in it. 

Mr. L. I'm too old for any nonsense of that sort. 

Jerry {sternly). Nonsense of what sort ? 

Mr. L. {reddening). Why, love-making and — and 

Jerry {still sternly). And marriage, I suppose? (Mr. 
L. nods doubtfully.) I will have you understand, sir, that 
marriage is no nonsense, sir. I shall report what you say to 
the assembled guests this evening. 

Mr. L. Oh, let up, will you ? 

Jerry. I cannot conceal the truth. Well, old man, I'll 
remove a little of Smith and Company's dust before dinner. 

Mr. L. Guess I will myself. 

Jerry. I'll beat you to it. 

{Hurries off i, follo7ved sloivly by Mr. 1^.) 
{Enter Mrs. M., ^^ followed by Amanda.) 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS II 

Mrs. M. Now, you're sure everything's all ready before 
1 ring the bell ? 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. You're two minutes late. Don't let it occur 
again. 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. ^' Yes'm''? 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. '' Yes'm " what ? 

Amanda. Yes'm, don't let it occur again. 

Mrs. M. You should say **no, ma'am." 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. What? 

Amanda. Yes'm, I had oughter say '*no, ma'am." 

Mrs. M. (exasperated). Don't you know anything? 

Amanda. No, ma'am. If I did I'd be a sternogafer 
and make eight a week instead o' slingin' hash. 

Mrs. M. Amanda, we do not sling hash. This is a 
first-class boarding-house. 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

(Mrs. M. motions Amanda to draw the curtains 4, re- 
vealing the dining-room at the rear of the stage. Care 
should be taken to pull curtains wide apart, Amanda 
then exits 6. (^Frotn this point Amanda's entrances and 
exits are at 6.) Mrs. M. then rings a bell lustily.') 

{Enter Mr. Joshua Swallow, 2, sharpening his pencil.) 

Mr. S. Is dinner ready? 

Mrs. M. That's the idee of the bell, Mr. Swallow. Oh, 
Amanda ! 

{Enter Amanda.) 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. Bring in the carpet-sweeper. 

Amanda. I done this here room last Saturday. 

Mrs. M. Never mind. Do as I say. 

Amanda. Yes'm. (Exit Amanda. Mr. S. continues 
sharpening his pencil. Enter Amanda with carpet-sweeper, ) 
Yes'm. 

(^Enter Mr. O., i, Genevieve, i, Tom Headley, 2, and 
Felicia Rogers, 2.) 



12 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Mrs. M. {to Amanda). Wait till Mr. Swallow is through. 
Mr. S. Quite through, ma'am. Let's sit down. 

(Amanda operates the ca7'pet-sweeper and exits,') 

Tom. Yes, I got another boost to-day. Fourth this 
year. I'm assistant to the general manager, now. Pushed 
my salary up twenty a week. 

Felicia. Isn't that just lovely ? 

{Enter Mr. L., Jerry a7idlAiS'S> L., i.) 

Tom. Yes, I expect I'll be the general manager soon. 
Why, Smithers down to the Amalgamated was saying only 
yesterday, *'Tom, a man like you belongs at the top of the 
heap. You don't need take anybody's leavings." 

Mr. S. That's all right, but how about dinner? 

Mrs. M. It's all ready. Have you all met Miss 
Ransom? 

Jerry. I introduced her all round. 

Mrs. M. Trust you for that, Jerry. 

Jerry. It's all you would trust me for, Mrs. McGreevy. 

Mrs. M. Trust nobody, say I, and then you won't get 
your fingers burnt. 

{Enter Mr. Grump, 2. He is greeted by everybody.) 

Mr. G. Horrible night out. 

Tom. I thought it was bully. 

Felicia. It was delightfully pleasant. 

Mr. G. a beastly wind. 

Mr. S. What's this got to do with dinner? 

Mrs. M. Come and sit down. 

{All go up to table and take places. {See scene plot,) Mr. 
S. immediately starts eating crackers, radishes, pickles ^ 
etc.) 

Jerry. Wherever are the Wigginses to-night? 

Mrs. M. They all went to a church supper. 

Mr. G. Well, that is a worse place. 

Mrs. M. They get no reduction. 

Mr. S. All the more for us. 

Mrs. M. No, I knew they wasn't coming. 

ToM. Guess I'll sit over on that side. 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS I3 

Mrs. M. No, I can't charge *em for dinner unless I 
reserves their seats for 'em. 

Mr. G. They'll want a lunch when they come home — 
from a church supper. 

Mrs. M. It'll be extra. {Rings bell sharply,) Amanda ! 

Amanda {entering 6), Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. Not yes'm. Soup ! 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Jerry. What, soup again ! 

Mrs. M. Certainly, a first-class table de hoty always has 
soup. 

Tom. Sure, it's Wednesday night, 

Mrs. M. (sharply). Well, what of it ? 

Tom. Oyster soup. {Enter Amanda with bowls of 
soup on tray.) January, February, March, April, always 
on Wednesday oyster soup except in the summer. 

(Mr. S. stops Amanda and takes bowl of soup and starts 
eating at once. The others as served eat at once except 
Genevieve, who politely waits. Exit Amanda to reenter 
with more bv%uls of soup. Before all are served Mr. S. 
ffiishes his first bowl and takes the one intended for 
Mr. O.) 

Mr. G. Colder'n church charity, 
Tom. I call this imaginary soup. 
Mrs. M. (sharply). Imaginary? 

Tom. Yes, an X-ray fails to reveal the presence of a 
bivalve. 

Jerry. You should be provided. 

(He takes a small package from his pocket and reveals an 

oyst€r. ) 

Tom. Lend him to me. 

Jerry. How much am I offered ? 

Felicia. Isn't that Jerry Farraway the comicallest. fel- 
low? 

Mrs. M. He's too smart. Let me catch him owing 
me 

Mr. O. Please, may I have soup ? 

Mrs. M. (glowering). Soup has been served, Mr. Owen. 

Mr. O. I didn't get any. 

Mrs. M. (^to Amanda, who is removing plates), Amanda, 
did you bring soup for Mr. Owen ? 



14 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. There are no second helpings of soup, Mr. 
Owen. 

(Mr. S. is busy again with bread, crackers, pickles, etcS) 

Tom. You know I said it was imaginary soup, Owen. 

Felicia. I think Mrs. McGreevy makes such lovely 
soup. 

Jerry. By proxy. 

Mrs. M. No, by Amanda. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Genevieve. 1 don^t seem very hungry to-night. 

Mr. S. {aside to Mr. O.). That's good. 

Mrs. M. I'm sorry, because we have such a exemplary 
table de hoty. Everybody says we set a magnificent table. 

Jerry. Solid mahogany. 

Mrs. M. What? 

Jerry. The table. 

Felicia. Isn't he comical? 

Mrs. M. You'll give Miss Ransom a wrong impression. 

Jerry. Oh, 1 wouldn't for the world. This is a lovely 
place. 

Tom. Of course, I don't expect to stay here long. When 
a man gets to be somebody, well, he's got to be somebody, 
that's all. 

Jerry. As for me, I'm thankful for my angular con- 
struction. {Reaches half across table for bread.) 

Mr. S. It's keeping busy that counts. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

{During the above Amanda has been bringing in the plates 
with meat, potatoes. Mr. S. agaifi gets the first plate,') 

Jerry. What is the meat order to-night, Mr. Swallow? 
Mr. S. I haven't had time to find out. {Eats rapidly.) 
Mrs. M. It's roast tenderloin beef. 
Mr. O. Why, mine tastes hke fried ham. 
Mrs. M. Yours may. Roast tenderloin beef is the meat 
order. 

(Mr. O. subsides.) 

Jerry. I think I could articulate some Wor-cester- shire 
sauce. 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS I5 

Mr. S. {pouring the last drop). There ain't a bit left, 
Jerry. 

Tom. You seem to think, Mr. Swallow, that Worcester- 
shire sauce is a beverage. Not so. *Tis a condiment. 

Mr. S. It's something to eat. That's all I care. 

Mrs. M. (shouting toward door 4). Amanda, 'nother 
bottle o' Wooster. 

Mr. O. Please may I have some more 

Mrs. M. Mr. Owen ! 

Mr. O. Oh, I see I haven't finished. 

(Nibbles at a small piece,') 

ToM. Mrs. McGreevy, I wonder if you heard me telling 
the folks I got another boost ? 

Mrs. M. Another? 

Tom. Yep, another twenty — assistant to the general 
manager now, and 1 know more about the business than 
he does 

Felicia. You do? Isn't that wonderful? 

Tom. Yes, they all say I do. Why, if he shouldn't 
show up again, the work'd go on just the same exactly^ — 
only better. 

Mrs. M. They're very good to you, Tom. 

Tom (scornfully). Good? They're lucky to keep me. 
Why, I scarcely get a mail down there but some one offers 
me a job. Why, you know these days there's scarcely any- 
thing a smart fellow can't do. The demand for brains was 
never so great. 

Felicia. It's just perfectly lovely. 

Tom. Well, on January first, I'm going to put it up to 
them straight and if they don't come over with another big 
boost, I'm going where I'm appreciated. It'll have to be 
another twenty or out I get. 

Felicia. Dear me, you'll be so rich you won't want to 
stay here. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Mr. S. One less mouth 

Tom. Oh, a little bachelor apartment at the Washing- 
tonia'd be about right. You got to keep up appearances. 

Mrs. M. Well, I hope you won't leave us, Tom. Have 
another chop, won't you? Amanda, Amanda, bring Mr. 
Headley another chop. 

Amanda. Yes'm, but it ain't a chop. 



i6 MRS. mcgreevy's boarders 

Mrs. M. Beef, I mean — beef medium. 

Mr. O. rdlike 

Mrs. M. I'm sorry, but we're all out of it. 

Mr. O. I'd like a glass of water. 

Mrs. M. Amanda, when you have waited on everybody, 
get Mr. Owen a glass of water. 

Mr. G. This is the worst meal I ever had but once 

Jerry (^pleasantly). When was the once? 

Mr. G. One day when I was too busy to eat anything. 
Tenderloin beef ! Tougher'n a gang o' rowdies on election 
night. 

Mrs. M. {sternly), D'you realize, Mr. Grump, that folks 
can be sued for slander ? 

Mr. G. {running his knife in vain across his meat). 
Can't cut it. Cut prices are the only cut in connection 
with this meat. 

Jerry {concernedly). Can I lend you an axe? 

Mr. G. An axe ? On a piece of meat this size ? Now 
if some one only had a real sharp chisel 

Tom. Wouldn't a bore do? 

Mr. G. It might. Why ? 

Tom. Use yourself then. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Mrs. M. I shall insist upon an apology. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Jerry. D'you know what Mr. Lembkin told me just 
before dinner ? 

{All are attentive except IAk. S., who contifiues eating rap- 
idly, Mr. L. and Miss L. are embarrassed,) 

Mr. L. Oh, let up. 

Jerry. I cannot conceal the truth. I cannot stand by 
and see a woman trifled with. 

Mrs. M. Not at a first-class boarding-house. 

Jerry. Mr. Lembkin confessed that he had no use for 
marriage and such nonsense. 

Voices. Oh ! 

Jerry. Well may you say *<Oh." I had caught him 
red-handed in the act of heaping sentimental attentions 
upon a fair lady. 

Miss L. Oh, keep still 

Jerry. The fair lady reveals herself. Yes, 'twas no 
other. Upon my calling our erring brother to task, he 



MRS. MCGREEVY'S BOARDERS 1 7 

angrily, aye, very angrily, asserted that he had no lime for 
marriage or any such nonsense. Now I ask of you in all 
honesty and candor, what punishment fits such a crime? 

Voices. No dessert. 

Mr. S. That's what I say. Let his dessert go to the 
one who gets through his own first. 

Jerry. No, that would never do. 

Tom. Why not ? 

Jerry. Because when a man has done wrong, he should 
receive his deserts — his just deserts. 

Mr. S. Don't make it plural, Jerry. 

Tom. D'you know, the other day I found Mr. Lembkin 
reading Browning, and yesterday 1 saw Miss Loveman 
with it. 

Jerry. The same copy ? 

Tom. The same copy. 

Jerry. Kindly notice, ladies and gentlemen, the same 
copy. Caught red-handed reading Browning. Was it 
Robert or Mrs. ? 

Tom. I guess it was Robert. 

Jerry. It's all the same — sentimental literature of some 
sort. Marked passages and all that sort of thing. Why, 
Tom, it's a regular lovers' correspondence. Mark a passage 
and pass the book. Saves postage and avoids suspicion. 

Mr. L. I never marked 

Jerry {shakins!; a fifiger). Ah, then, you have written 
letters — compromising letters. 1 think a committee should 
be appointed to investigate. Amanda for chairman. She's 
got access to the rooms and a stand-in with the postman. 

{During the above, Mr. S. has been voraciously eating 
everything he could lay his hancTs on. Amanda has been 
refilling his plate several times. Genevieve has been ftib- 
bling uninterestedly, Jerry reaches half across the table 
whe7iever he wishes anything,^ 

Mrs. M. You're the worst tease I ever saw, Jerry Far- 
raway. You have spoiled Mr. Lembkin's dinner. 

Jerry {innocently). Me? Oh, no, not I. 'Tis either 
an uneasy conscience or the ecstasy of love. Take your 
choice. 

Tom. And they're so well suited. 

Jerry. Suited ? I should say so. They both go in for 
opera. Vogner is a particular diversion. 



l8 MRS. MCGREEVy's BOARDERS 

Felicia. I just adore Vogner. 

Genevieve. He is nice. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Mr. S. I'd rather have a good dinner. 

Mr. G. Yes, a real good dinner. 

Jerry. Both of 'em hate vaudeville. Both of *em read 
poetry. Neither looks at a Sunday newspaper. 

Tom. Both like roast beef. 

Mr. S. I should say so — worse luck. 

Jerry. Neither eats fish. 

Mr. S. Good thing on Friday. 

Tom. And they're so much alike 

Jerry. Such beautiful dispositions 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Mr. L. What d'you mean by that? 

Mr. G. I was humphing at this meat, not at you. 

Jerry. There isn't a doubt but they are strictly com- 
patible. 

Felicia. I do hope there'll be a romance. It will be 
just exquisite. 

Genevieve {dabbling with her food), I don't seem to 
be very hungry. 

Mr. S. {aside to Mr. O.). Good. 

Genevieve. If you don't mind, I'll finger my music. 

Mrs. M. {graciously). Certainly, my dear. 

Jerry. Are your fingers clean ? 

Mrs. M. Don't be impertinent, Jerry ; remember she's 
a new boarder. 

Genevieve. If Amanda could bring me a finger- 
bowl 

Mrs. M. Amanda, Amanda, a finger-bowl for one. 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

{Exitf 6. Enter Amanda with finger-bowl.) 

(Genevieve daintily touches her finger tips to the water and 
proceeds to piano where she starts playing in very fast 
time. The jaws begin to work rapidly^ and everybody is 
eating at a mile-a-minute clip.) 

Jerry. Oh, new boarder, new boarder, be merciful. 
Are you in cahoots with the doctor? You will give us all 
the indigestion. 

Genevieve. Am I playing too fast? 



MRS. MCGREEVY's BOARDERS I9 

Jerry. You make me swallow my food whole. 
Mr. G. Less chance to know how poor it tastes. 
Tom. When I eat I eat, and when I fast I fast, but I 
don't want to eat fast. 

Felicia. Isn't he the funniest man? 
Jerry. You said I was. 
Felicia. You both are. 
Genevieve. How is this, then ? 

(^She plays a pronounced andante movefuenf, whereupon 
everybody eats with the greatest deliberation^ pausi?ig a 
full minute betwee?i mouthfuls,') 

Amanda. Yes'm. What are they eating so slow like? 
This is my night off. 

Jerry. I've got a date myself. And Lembkin and Miss 
LovemanHl be late for their engagement. 

Genevieve {tearfully^. You don't like my playing. 

Jerry {protesti?ig). I do, too. I always like music 
with my meals. Give us a bunch of rag-time. 

Genevieve. I don't know any. 

Jerry. Some on the piano. 

Tom. Or a love-song. Mr. Lembkin likes love-songs. 

Felicia. Yes, let's have a love-song. 

Genevieve. Would you like this — '* Mother's the Grand 
Old Girl"? 

Jerry. Dedicated to Mrs. McGreevy. 

Tom. She sure is the G. O. G. 

Mrs. M. The G. O. G. ? 

Tom. Yep, the grand old girl. 

Mrs. M. She is, if your board bill's paid regular. 

(Genevieve /Aryj- very quietly.^ 

Tom. I took a flyer in Oshkosh Limited to-day. Bought 
it at 54. It'll be up to 60 in a week. Net me $600.00. 
Buy a little runabout. I tell you the stock market's the 
stuff if you know what you're about. 

Mrs. M. Keep enough for board bill. 

Jerry. And car fare. 

Mr. S. More bread, please. 

Mrs. M. Amanda, Amanda, more bread. 

Amanda. Yes'm. I brung more bread. 

(Jjroes out a7id brings bread,) 



20 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Jerry. I don't like these bakers. 

Mrs. M. Why not ? 

Jerry. They're loafers, every one of them. 

Felicia. Isn't he the funniest man? 

{Exit Amanda.) 

Tom. They make money, though. 

Mrs. M. How do you know? 

Tom. Every one of them has made his roll. 

Felicia. You do say the cutest things. 

Tom. They say down to the office that I am very witty. 

Felicia. Witty? Why, you're just comical. 

Tom. If it wasn't for my prospects in business, I'd go 
on the stage. 

Felicia. They do tell me actors get two hundred dollars 
a week. 

Tom {scornfully). What's two .hundred a week ? 

Mrs. M. {sardofiically), It'd pay your laundry bills. 

Mr. L. {to Miss L.). Would you like some more bread ? 

Miss L. Yes, thank you. 

Jerry. See, everybody, how attentive Mr. Lembkin is. 
He asked Miss Loveman if she wanted any more bread. 

Mr. O. I'd like 

Mrs. M, It's all gone, every bit. 

Jerry. The idea of one boarder asking another if he or 
she wants anything ! It shows a special interest. 

Tom. It's against all nature. 

Mr. S. {helping himself to bread). It's every man for 
himself. 

Jerry (reaching half across the table for a pickle). And 
the victory to the fellow with the longest reach. 

Tom. They've got me down for a speech before the 
Chamber of Commerce next month. Subject, ** How I Won 
Out." If it makes a hit, I'm going all over the country de- 
livering it, A good after-dinner speaker gets a hundred 
every time he opens his mouth. And I could hold down 
my little old job between times. 

Mr. S. Is the meat all gone ? 

Mrs. M. Amanda, Amanda ! 

{Enter Amanda.) 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. More meat for Mr, Swallow. 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 21 

Tom. Me, too. 
Jerry. Me, too. 

(^Exit Amanda.) 

Mr. S. Don't forget I asked first. 

Felicia. Did any of you folks see *< Way Up North '' ? 
It's the lovehest play. 

Miss L. I never attend any but Shakespeare. 
Mr. L. Neither do I. 

(^Enter Amanda, with meaty which she passes around,^ 

Jerry. I told you. Something else you agree about. 

Felicia. I don't care. '' Way Up North " is the most 
perfectly lovely play I've seen in a long, long time. The 
hero is such a fine man ; so brave, so courageous, and 

Tom. And so handsome. 

Felicia. Well, he is handsome. I just kept wondering 
whether he's as lovely off the stage. And the villain is per- 
fectly awful. There isn't anything that man wouldn't do. 
He took that lovely, lovely girl — the heroine, I mean — and 
threw her right down on her hands. 

Jerry. It doesn't hurt her, Felicia. She does it a dozen 
times a week. 

Felicia. I don't care. Any man that acts that way even 
in a play must be just like it himself 

Tom. Most likely the heroine's married to him, eh, 
Jerry ? 

Jerry. Most likely. It's all the thing now for heroines 
to be married to villains. 

Felicia. Weil, I hope she gets a divorce. Anyway, I 
wouldn't miss seeing it if the seats were thirty-five cents in 
the gallery. 

Jerry. Better take Miss Loveman, Mr. Lembkin. 

Mr. L. I only attend Shakespeare. 

Felicia. Some of Shakespeare's are just horrid. One of 
them had in it all about skulls and grave-diggers. Ugh ! 

Mr. O. I wonder if I could have 

Mrs. M. {firmly), I'm sorry, but it is all gone. Amanda, 
clear the things. 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mr. S. I'm not through. I want more bread. Jerry, 
reach me a piece. 



22 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Jerry {reaching across table). Everybody should reach 
for himself. 

Tom. You mean each should reach for themselves. 
Jerry {with a wave of the hand). As you will. 

(Amanda clears the dishes^ exits and enters with pie during 
the conversation,) 

Tom. The fellows had a little bowling match last night. 
I averaged 215 for six games. Broke all the season's rec- 
ords for the alleys. Gee, strike after strike. After the first 
game, the others wanted to call it off. I offered to spot any 
one of them fifty pins, but nothing doing. 

Mr. L. Whatever are you talking about, Tom ? 

Miss L. Yes, what do you mean ? 

Jerry. They don't understand bowling. Another thing 
they're alike about. Gee, you would make a good couple. 

Miss L. Jerry ! 

Tom. Any fellow with brains ought to be able to knock 
over ten pins the first shot. I like bowling next to tennis. 
You know I'm going to play for the state tennis champion- 
ship next June. The sporting editor of the ^* Gazette " says 
my volley shots are wonderful. Next thing they'll want 
moving pictures of me in action. 

Felicia. It must be wonderful to be a hero. 

Tom. Whatever I've done, I'm thankful it hasn't turned 
my head. If there's anything I hate, it's to see a fellow 
forever talking about what he's done. Take Binks, down 
to the office. He's always saying **I did this/' *'I did 
that" until you get weary. 

(Amanda ^/z/^^ Mr. G. his pie,) 

Mr. G. Pie, pie, forever pie. 

Felicia {to Tom). It must be annoying. 

Tom. Whenever you try to tell anybody about anything 
you've done, he's interrupting with something he's done. 

Mr. G. One thing certain — this pie's not done. 

Mr. S. I'll eat your piece if you don't want it. 

Mr. G. Got to try to make a meal somehow. Take 
your choice — indigestion or starvation. 

Jerry. I disagree with you, Mr. Grump. 

Mr. G. So does the pie. 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 23 

Felicia. He, he, he. IVe just thought of the cutest 

thing. 

Mr. L. What is it ? 

Jerry. Yes, let us in on it. 

Felicia. I always thought Mrs. McGreevy kept a re- 
spectable, temperance place. 

Mrs. M. {sharply). Show me the one who says I don't. 

Felicia. He, he, he, but you have Tom and Jerry right 
at the table. (^Giggles.) 

Jerry. Henceforth evermore please refer to me as 
Jerome. 

Tom. And to me as Thomas or Mr. Headley. A fellow 
in my position ought to be Mr. 

Jerry. I don't care what they say, Mrs. McGreevy, 
this is good pie. 

Mrs. M. Thank you. 

Jerry. Can you make as good pie as this, Felicia ? 

Felicia (confused). It depends upon the sort of man 
that was the inspiration. 

Tom. Speak up, Jerry. 

Mr. L. Yes, Jerry, now's your chance. 

Jerry. Not before all you folks. How about you, Miss 
Loveman ? 

Miss L. Me ? 

Jerry. Yes. Can you make good apple pie ? 

Miss L. I can, with good ingredients. 

Jerry. The chances are good, Mr. Lembkin, for bad 
apple pie means indigestion and indigestion means bad 
temper and bad temper means a storm on the matrimonial 
sea. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Mrs. M. My, what bad cooks most of 'em must be. 

Jerry. You are a pessimist, Mrs. McGreevy. Now, if 
I was to ask a girl to marry me, first thing I'd do, I'd up 
and ask her if she could make good apple pie 

Mrs. M. You did ask Felicia. 

Felicia {gurgling arid confused). Oh, Mrs. McGreevy. 

Genevieve. I hope you have liked my music. 

Jerry. It's been delightful. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Jerry. Before we finally part for the various social 
engagements of the evening, I wonder if Mr. Lembkin has 
anything to say to the assembled guests. 



24 MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 

Mr. L. Certainly not. 

Jerry. Well, you will soon. 

Mrs. M. Before we go maybe Miss Ransom would sing 
us something. 

Jerry. Do you know ^^ Just a Little Heart That's All 
Your Own"? 

Genevieve. No, I 

Jerry. Mr. Lembkin thinks it is very touching. 

Genevieve. I can sing** Only One Girl In the World 
For Me.*' 

Tom. Don't. I hate these restrictions. 

Genevieve. What shall I sing then ? 

All. Whatever you like. 

(Genevieve si7tgs some pretty present-day ballad, and is 
applauded,') 

Mrs. M. You will be quite an addition to our little circle, 
my dear. 

Genevieve. If my appetite were only better. 

Mr. S. Let well enough alone, say I. 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Jerry. Well, 1 for one have got to be moving along. 

Tom. Same with me, 

(^The various boarders exeunt i and 2. Jerry whispers 
to one and another, except Mr. L. ^;^^ Miss L., as they 
exeunt, Mrs. M. draws curtains together, concealing 
the dining-room. Great clatter of dishes heard. Mr. 
L. and Miss L. lag behind.) 

Mrs. M. Amanda, Amanda ! 

{After a ?noment Amanda's head appears at curtain.) 

Amanda. Yes'm. 

Mrs. M. What's all this racket? 

Amanda. Hurrying the dishes, ma'am. My night off. 

Mrs. M. Well, less noise, please. 

{Exit, 2.) 

Miss L. Didn't they tease us something terrible? 
Mr. L. They did. I'm getting tired of it. 
Miss L. Be careful. Somebody will see us now. 



MRS. MCGREEVY'S BOARDERS 25 

Mr. L. What could they say worse than they have said 
already ? 

Miss L. Nothing. We must put a stop to it. 

Mr. L. That's it, a stop to it. 

Miss L. But how ? 

Mr. L. But how ? 

Miss L. That's what I say, but how? 

Mr. L. There must be a way out. 

Miss L. It was so absurd, 

Mr. L. What was ? 

Miss L. Why, everything Jerry Farraway said. 

Mr. L. Well, what did he say ? 

Miss L. He said you and I both liked the opera — — 

Mr. L. Well, we do, don't we ? 

Miss L. Yes, but 

Mr. L. And we both hate vaudeville. 

Miss L. And we both hate Sunday newspapers, as far as 
that goes. 

Mr. L. And we do love poetry*— especially Browning. 
Maybe Jerry isn't altogether wrong. 

Miss L. As he said, we do just happen to like roast beef, 
both of us. 

Mr. L. Maybe as Jerry was really right about so much, 
he was right about it all. 

Miss L. (^faltering). Right! What do you mean? 
Such a fool as Jerry Farraway never was heard of. 

Mr. L. {earnestly). Oh, he was fooling, all right. But 
you know <^many a truth spoken in jest." Back of all his 
nonsense a truth does stand out-— our tastes are similar, our 
inclinations run parallel lines ; in a word we are congenial. 

Miss L. Why, Mr. Lembkin, what are you getting at ? 

Mr. L. Just this — what he said as a joke let us make a 
reality. He jestingly said that our common qualities fitted 
us for each other. Let us ask ourselves in earnest — isn't it 
true? In a word, my dear Miss Loveman, will you marry 
me? 

Miss L. You ? Why, you— you're a woman-hater. 

Mr. L. Positively, I am not. I am a woman-lover — 
not in general, but one in particular. 

Miss L. Why, I 

Mr. L. You can't say it's so sudden, after all of Jerry's 
fooling. 

Miss L. I know, but I never 



26 MRS. mcgreevy's boarders 

Mr. L. We should be happy — our tastes are so much 
alike. 

Miss L. Yes, I think we should 

Mr. L. Then it's **yes." 

Miss L. If you really wish it. 

(Mr. L. moves to kiss her, Jerry's head appears through 
the curtain, 4.) 

Jerry. Ho, ho, ha, ha. A pretty situation for a man 
who doesn't believe in marriage or any of that nonsense. 
Mr. L. I have changed my mind. 
Jerry. Ho, ho, then it's a case for the minister ? 

(Mr. L. looks appealing ly to Miss L.) 

Miss L. In good time. 

Jerry. Then let's tell the whole crowd. (^He pulls the 
curtains and reveals all the other boarders seated in the 
dining-room. They laugh heartily and cofne down^ crowd- 
ing around Miss L. and Mr. L., 1, Jerry andM^^. M. 
are /^, Felicia down 2.) Mr. Lembkin's a cunning old 
fox. 

Miss L. He is not a fox. 

Jerry. No doubt you think he's a deer. 

Mrs. M. I hope you won't let getting married make no 
difference with your staying here. 

Mr. L. Oh, I presume we shall keep house. 

Mrs. M. {calling off at door up 6). Amanda, be sure 
we have some ** rooms for rent" signs handy when we 
need 'em. 

Genevieve. I think it's just lovely to have this little 
romance happen the very first night I came. 

Felicia. It's just too perfectly romantic. It's better 
than any novel Bertha Clay ever wrote. I just think it's 
magnificently beautiful. 

Tom. Well, let's adjourn and give the happy couple a 
chance to enjoy the sweetness of love's young dream. 

Felicia. Isn't Tom the comicallest thing? 

Jerry {corning down 2 to Felicia). Shall I tell 'em our 
happy secret ? 

Felicia. I don't care. Oh, folks, isn't it delicious ! 

Jerry. You see, I met Felicia on the stairs, and 

Voices. Ah, ah, young man. 



MRS. MCGREEVY S BOARDERS 27 

Mr. G. Humph. 

Jerry. And 1 asked her the eternal question. 
Genevieve. What eternal question ? 
Jerry. What kind o' apple pie she can make. Folks, 
allow me to introduce the future Mrs. Jerry Farraway. 

(Felicia bows grandiloquently. As the curtain descends^ 
Mrs. M. mournfully holds up four fingers^ signifying her 
four lost boarders ; Jerry has Felicia in his arms, 2, 
ajid Mr. L. has a?i arm around Miss L., i. Mrs. M. 
is 4. The others show lively interest, Amanda at rear^ 
wiping her eyes with a dish-toweL) 



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